Last week my company sent me to my first business trip to Philadelphia for Cognos Training and Certification. Now some of you in the financial field may know about Cognos’ software since its a multidementional database so it’s perfect for OLAP analysis of financial data. I’m not going to say what my project is, but it requires me to really use this thing. After 3 days, I passed with flying colors. All I have to say, is this software is some awesome stuff!! I wish I had this thing available to me back when I was a derivatives trader… Now I know why Fortune magazine in their 2000 issue, ranked Cognos between AOL and Microsoft. Their software is simply amazing and versatile, although as with all things, there’s always room for improvement. I got a certification certificate. Whoop-dee-doo… LOL

The only bad thing was that I was bored outta my mind there. I was driving around looking for stuff to do, and stubled on this sign that said, “Paintball Gear now available” I was like, “Hot Dang!” and decided to step in. Turns out, their paintball section is like a box full of crap, and the entire store is filled with Class III automatic weapons, rifles, and handguns… Ummm.

Me: uhm… What’s with all these guns? Where’s the paintball gear?
Owner: Well sonny, due to new zoning laws, I can’t have just purely guns in here so I have to have other things.
Me: Geez… Uhm… is that a Mac 10 with a silencer
Owner: Yup. Pretty sweet, eh?
Me: Uhh… aren’t those things illegal?
Owner: Hells no! Where the heck you from man?
Me: Originally New Jersey, but now live in New York City.
Owner: Oh man! Dude, your state sucks ass! Having a gun is harder than smuggling drugs. (yes he really did say this too)
Me: Uhh… riight *giving him a strange look*
Owner: You know, I can sell ya any gun here today. All I need is your license and do an Insta-Check on the computer here. Hell, you can walk outta here with a 100 guns if you pass.
Me: Don’t you need a license or somemthing?
Owner: Hells no! Only if you plan on hunting. If you buy a gun, no problem. You can fire on the range without a license.
Me: That’s messed up man… No wonder West Philly is so messed up.
Owner: Hey that’s why we have concealed weapons….
Me: WHAT! You’re kidding me…
Owner: Hey I know the sherriff of this county personally, if ya want I can get you a concealed weapons license by tomorrow morning.
Me: Geez… Don’t you need to be a PA resident?
Owner: nope. It’s the same as buying a gun…
Me: Ok… Geez… That’s it- I’m not honking my horn at anyone when I’m in this state. This place is crazy.
Owner: You’re one funny kid. Ever fire a gun?
Me: Well I’ve fired a rifle, shotgun, bb guns, and paintball guns, but nothing really serious.
Owner: Hey you wanna shoot a machine gun? Theres a range down the road where you can rent some serious hardware and shoot indoors. Dirt cheap too. I can call him and tell him to discount you.
Me: You people are nuts… I wouldn’t mind learning to shoot a pistol though. Just to learn how.
Owner: perfect *calls the place, draws a map* Go here. He’ll charge you $30.
Me: uhh.. ok *I leave in a quick hurry, not knowing how psychotic this guy is*

So I go to the indoor firing range. I walk in and see through glass there’s a guy holding a huge machine gun that’s belt fed those 50 caliber rounds that come in those world war II boxes. The stacatto of bullet rounds in rattling in the background. I tell the guy who I am and he goes “cool! Glad to have you oppressed people finally breakout.” Uhmm… ok whatever man… So the guy teaches me the basics. Hands me a small rifle with a 5.56 rounds to see if I know how to shoot. Pop. No problem.

Him: Have you ever shot a pistol before?
Me: Not really…
Him: ok. lets take these 2- the Glock 17 and the trusty Barretta.
Me: uhm ok.

He gides me through how to shoot, and in about 10 minutes I’m picking off a 5 inch target at 30 feet away…

And yes, those are empty bullet casings in the upper right. Shooting a pistol is harder than it looks. Rifles obviously are easier to shoot since you have the barrel as a line to use as a guiding line. The spray looks wide here, but 5 inches is a pretty damn tiny target from 30 feet away. I now have mad respect (and a mad fear) for cops that can keep tight speads. It was a bit of a rush, and afterward I felt so relaxed. Strange. Would I ever decide to get a gun myself? Hells no. If gun owners are as psychotic as the people I met in PA. It’s not worth the craziness.

Saturday my co-workers came to NY to be tourists. They’re from UCI in Cali so they’ve never been to NY before. Heh. Cali people… wearing too much color (not enough black), and wearing shorts. NY’ers RARELY wear shorts in the summer. Especially guys… Strange fact, eh? Then I took them to k-town for their virgin karaoke experience @ MBC Nohrehbang. =)